I recently found myself on my couch late on a Friday night texting my friend about our Tumblr eras (and accidentally bailing on prior plans). Shortly thereafter, I discovered that this blog still exists and was linked to my old tumblr (which sadly is extinct). I began reading my old posts. The nostalgia was real and intense and pretty fun (side-note: nostalgia is actually one of the all-time best feelings, but it doesn’t get the credit it deserves, imho). I’ve always been a delinquent journal keeper despite liking writing. I think keeping a journal is valuable, but it has never felt entirely authentic to me. But I did love this blog, and I do love talking, thinking, and writing about music. I realized these old posts are the closest I’ve come to keeping a record of my life. I felt compelled to return! So here I am.

It was obvious that my first post back had to be about the new Phoebe Bridgers album. Spotify has informed me that, in the past three weeks, I have listened to well over 2,500 minutes of music/week (about 500 more minutes than typical for me, I think), and this is largely due to and dominated by Lost Weekend, the spectacular, intricate, devastating, otherworldly, long anticipated new album from Phoebe. According to Spotify, just this last week, I’ve listened to “Bobby” 27 times. I’d call this a review (as is standard in music blogger parlance), but I’m calling it a Rhapsody because I am excited just to gush for a bit.

In reviewing my prior posts, I realized that I fell for Phoebe after this blog petered out. So some recap: I knew of her in college and especially liked Funeral and Waiting Room, but I became infatuated during the pandemic and with the release of Punisher. I was obsessed with her songwriting and especially her tendency to exit and re-enter narratives. (e.g., you called me from a payphone / they still got payphones / it cost a dollar a minute / to tell me you’re getting sober / and you wrote me a letter or hey, why do you sing with an English accent? / I guess it’s too late to change it now).

For one, these non-sequitur type thoughts are funny (Phoebe is, in fact, very funny), and this really is how our buzzy human brains operate. These observations are reminiscent of our strange, ego-oriented internet social media era, and feel contemporary and authentic. I like how she notices the little thoughts that flit across our consciences. It’s very buddhist of her, tbh. Plus, I think artists that have strong awareness of / fascination with their own egos tend to be the most interesting (yes, talking about our boy BD, how’d you know). And I loved her detailed imagery and specific references (shower beers, John Lennon etc.). I was teaching internet yoga classes at the time and loved playing her songs towards the end of class. So many of them strike me as a meditation on a story, a narrative surrounded by commentary and detail and fragmented memory…

In October 2021, I saw her at the Greek in Berkeley (likely my favorite venue in the world, as has been noted on this blog). It was very good and felt like a satisfying cap on the pandemic and all that listening.

Just a few months before that show, I saw Perfume Genius in Big Sur at the Henry Miller library. The library is classic old CA hippie vibes. It’s surrounded by a gorgeous old redwood grove where small outdoor concerts take place. It was a cool show, but my most vivid memory is driving north on highway 1 in the foggy pitch-black night after the show and listening through Stranger in the Alps. As those who have driven that stretch of 1 know, it’s a combo of beauty and terror. It is undeniably one of the most majestic stretches of highway in the world — the mountains meet the sparkling pacific ocean which extends endlessly and feels close enough to touch. But it’s also terrifying, even if you’ve driven it plenty (I have!). There is no guardrail, and you are very close to a sheer cliff (would def die from the drop), and the road is very windy. And what is mostly majestic by day becomes mostly spooky in the pitch black, especially when it’s foggy.

I think there are moments in life that serve specific music and help you absorb + understand it in a new way. Sometimes it’s inexplicable, sometimes it’s obvious. This actually felt quite literal. To me, that album is about growing up and being afraid of new adult feelings and of the future. It feels like driving a windy dark road etched into the side of the mountain. Sheer cliff and fear of death included. Actually . . . maybe this is abstract? Regardless, it’s a vivid Phoebe memory.

These 2020-2022 Phoebe memories are tied up with the relationship I was in at the time. It was challenging, and I was struggling. Phoebe’s lyrics about difficult prior relationships were somewhat helpful, although I was very resistant to unpacking why certain lines resonated. Interestingly, this ex loved Phoebe, and we bonded over her music and saw her together three times. We broke up not long after the Berkeley show, and suddenly every song was about longing. We got back together six months later and listening to Phoebe together again was ecstatic . . . for maybe three months. During that golden little window, we saw her in Paso Robles at a beautiful winery, a small venue for her. It was a truly spectacular show. Christian Lee Hutson opened and played a sensitive and lovely set. Then Phoebe and her band took the stage and played a longg set, most of both albums. She was joyful and engaged a lot with the crowd. It was a full moon, and we stayed in a canvas tent in the middle of some guy’s farm. It was pure California – dry golden rolling hills etc. We shared a bottle of red wine, and it was perfect until it wasn’t. I never understood why or how, but sometimes, out of nowhere, this ex would become a stone wall. The next day, I drove us back to San Francisco, him in a dark cloud in the passenger seat. I tried to appease and fix, but eventually gave up and just listened to the music and drove. When that relationship ended for good, I was worried Phoebe’s music would feel tainted. It didn’t. Many of the songs were empowering in new ways, and they all felt like mine.

Wait wasn’t this supposed to be a Lost Weekend album review?

In May of this year (after three years of no touring and six of no new solo music) Phoebe suddenly announced a show in a small town in New Mexico. I came close to buying a plane ticket, but practiced self control. I eagerly read every bit of news about the shows. New songs! Album coming?!

I was in bed in a rented house in Sonoma when my friend texted me that she was playing MSG, a major escalation. This was also when I realized Phoebe is now, in fact, extremely famous. Evidently against the odds, I won tickets. I immediately booked the red eye back to new york. It was just her and Christian Lee Hutson on acoustic guitar (later also Nick White on keys). They sat side by side on a slouchy, 70s style sofa. It felt intimate, quasi sacred. This was certainly aided by the phone ban. Everyone was locked in, my friend and I included, obviously. I was so excited to hear the new songs and also nervous I wouldn’t like them.

We assumed she would open with motion sickness. She played with us a bit, but then she did in fact play a beautiful, tender, acoustic version of the song (not entirely unlike the demo but maybe even slower+sparser). Then, insane turn of events, she went right into waiting room (!!) which fucked me up. The first two new songs were “Lost Boys” and “Kill Me.” Honestly, at this point, I was not sure. In my heart, I wanted her to play a bunch of old faves. It had been three years! Then she played “Still Standing.” I really loved it. She also played “I Can’t Wait,” “Other Plans,” “Haunted,” “Lost Weekend,” and “As Above.” Of the new songs, my favorite that night, on first listen, was “As Above.” I loved the haunting, beautifully simple chord progression immediately. And then the bridge totally tore me up. I loved how the song opened up and broke apart and came back together. Live, she absolutely sang the shit out of it. In a way, the show felt like two shows. Hearing the new songs for the first time live and acoustic was exciting but also a bit disorienting. I was trying so hard to absorb them, but that’s hard for me to do on first listen. On the other end of the spectrum was graceland too. She had the crowd solidly in the palm of her hand. The lighters came out (I guess it was lucky for the phone free show that smoking is cool again?), and it was truly very sweet. She closed with I know the end, and we all had a good yell.

Later that night, I felt grateful but also immense desire to immediately listen to the new songs again. Bits and pieces were floating around my head. I kept wanting to remember things and failing. Not too long thereafter, she released “Lost Boys” which might be my least favorite track on the album. Not that it’s bad. Although I think the horns on the chorus are awful, and I don’t like the production much generally and especially not on the chorus. The bridge is beautiful though and makes me a little weepy. In a twin bed where all will be forgiven in an instant / hands in each other’s hair / we are born again. Very innocent, tender, vulnerable etc. Overall, though, I was a little disappointed. But I felt reassured knowing that there were new songs I had liked better at the MSG show. I would be patient and wait for the album.

But then she said we would have to wait until August 14th! That felt interminable. Luckily, it was summer, and I was back in ny, plenty to do. And so the day came. Actually, my friend Erin and I journeyed to Jersey City the Tuesday before the Thursday night drop to hear the album early and see the “lost weekend planetarium experience.” This was another phone free event and was sweet in every way. Fun to journey to Jersey (love Jersey), and the crowd was wholesome and lovely. The laser show was dreamy and cool, but I was so overwhelmed and ecstatic about how much I l o v e d the album. It was better than I even imagined – so deep and heartfelt lyrically and lush and dynamic sonically. It was deeply satisfying especially to hear still standing again. That + lost weekend reprise made me cry but for most of the show I had the biggest goofy grin. I was definitely down bad.

The rhapsody portion of this. Phoebe has undeniably grown as an artist – as a producer, singer, and songwriter. I recently re-watched her 2017 NPR tinydesk concert and was struck by how much stronger her voice is now. Of course she is naturally gifted and has a beautiful and distinctive voice, but LW has some vocal moments and notes that sound sturdy and confident and impress in a new way. The vocals are boosted by some incredible collaborators. Caroline Shaw, most obviously, who is able to do very cool and crazy things with her voice. I also really like some of the weird Alex G muttered vocals – very industrial and cool sounding.

Bo Burnham, imo, comes off well on LW. First, Bobby is undeniably one of the best tracks on the record. If Bobby had been the single, I would not have worried about not liking the album. Phoebe is in love, and this is a great love song – open-hearted, excited, hopeful. This could be the end of wanting is a beautiful sentiment, and it’s bolstered by its uncertainty. Frankly, I am skeptical of certainty when it comes to love songs (or discussions of love generally), just too many unknowns in life, but being open to / wondering if a relationship is forever is wonderful. It’s also more grounded in the present which I like. Bo’s vocals are fantastic, too. They sound good together. Also awesome: lots of good guitar tones – metallic and condensed in a cool way, good drums, good banjo (fuck yea banjo). It’s so crazy + fun that Mike Kinsella and Justin Broadrick play guitar on this. (sidenote – insane number of collaborators on this album. I made the below playlist which includes songs from the whole crew.)

Not traveling in order, but I love “the outside.” Thematically, it sets up a lot of the album. Much of the album is about fame and the trippy refraction of watching yourself through the eyes of others. Screaming my ending fist in the air / you were there / but I was on the outside / watching / I am on the outside / watching. And I love the sonic contrasts in the song, the duality. This music is so much better and more interesting than most of the other music being made lately (sorry everyone else). I think the dual sonic vibes also foreshadow the rest of the album well – between guitar / strings oriented songs and more electronic moments. Kill me is not one of my favorite tracks, but I will shout out the upright bass which sounds awesome,

The governor’s waltz is one of my favorites musically but less exciting to me lyrically than some of the others. I love the guitar part. It is simply so pretty. And the recording + production is perfect – beautiful guitar string sounds and harmonies. I think the mandocello has to be key. There are a few cool moments on the record where Phoebe does a madrigal type word painting. On this one, I love the dancing ourselves clean lcd reference and the little dance-y thumping bass that fades in and out. Very playful and onomatopoetic. She does the exact same thing on I cant wait (dancing with my understudy cues the bass), and it’s great.

This is a no skip album (okay, I sometimes skip lost boys). I love listening through, and I think this is a huge credit to how good the engineering and production is. The levels are perfect, and it is very pleasant to listen through the whole album even though some of the tracks are pretty unique (e.g., haunted and never going back! vs. other plans and as above). It all works so well. I love it all.

I think still standing is the emotional zenith and heart of the album. It is very vulnerable and raw songwriting – heart on sleeve. It’s devastating, but musically it sounds pretty hopeful – notes resolve, etc. The plucked viola is gorgeous. But, ugh. You’re back to the ocean, burning red / I can’t imagine you dead / but you are every day / thank you for everything. Every time, my heart’s in my throat. This song has left me thinking a lot about the fear and anxiety I have about losing people I love. It’s helped and hurt. On one hand, I am more afraid of the pain she sings about — waking up every day and re-remembering the loss. But, also, the song is hopeful and suggests that there is healing and peace to be found.

I actually really love other plans into I cant wait. And lost parade is a cool transitional moment. I loved other plans the minute I heard it. I love the repetition and single note melody. It’s so dreamy and delicate. I think the vocal is very cool too – repressed or faded in an interesting way. And then, I can’t wait, which to me is just ecstatic and fantastic in every way. It was one of my favorites at the planetarium. I love the cam vocal and the build. It’s a very good almost end of album track. Love, also, that Conor plays harmonica. Glad he’s still around. When I heard the harmonica in that song for the first time at the planetarium I literally gasped and gripped Erin’s hand in excitement (vestige of lob nylan). This song is also a testament to how this album manages to do a lot but avoids songs sounding too busy or crowded (same w/ bobby). There are always moments of space – both in the album and in every song.

I think as above is very Phoebe. It really captivated me when she played it at MSG, and I am excited to hear her sing it again live. Also, all the piano on the record sounds incredible. This song weirdly reminds me so much of strawberry fields (s/o name of this blog). I felt slightly vindicated when Phoebe released her “summer playlist” and included strawberry fields which suggested it is at least somewhat on her mind. Can relate. It’s on my mind pretty often.

Lost weekend reprise kills me every time. I found it devastating at the planetarium, and I still feel same after all the listening. You love me and I won’t ever let you forget / not yet. Ending the album with this kind of fragment (lyrically and musically with the little mic drop) is such a move. Much of the record feels in progress – grief, healing, love, pain. This last track seems to say “no, I haven’t figured it all out” and acknowledges that we are all works in progress. It’s very honest. It’s also an ever so slightly unsatisfying ending which I am 1000% sure is intentional and feels very Phoebe. She is not the type of artist who just gives her fans exactly what they want. Tbh, the best never do.

I can’t wait to listen to this album even more. I am so happy it exists. And I am excited for the future meanings and discoveries I will find within it.